We've* noticed the rise of television cooking competitions and the influence these have on the general populace. Even the old bloggers in this community pepper (see what I did there?) their posts with mention of meals they have made or are about to. Robert the inconvenient sinner is the champignon, sorry, champion here.
We* thought it opportune to have a little cooking competition amongst the primary bloggers - Richard of Richard's Bass Bag, Robert the inconvenient sinner and moi representing The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ.
Robert was charged with the responsibility of finding a suitable venue and ensuring attendance by a non-partisan public to taste and rate the dishes.
Here's how the competition works:
The contestants have each chosen a dish that shows what type of food they prefer and to demonstrate their culinary proficiency. Before unveiling (or unwrapping) their chosen dish a short interview with them will be conducted by an independent food critic and religious person (they are honest aren't they?) Pastor Usebydate.
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Pastor Usebydate: First up we have Richard of Richard's Bass Bag. Hello Richard.
Richard of RBB: Hello Pastor You're pleased to be here.
Pastor Usebydate: Mmmm ..... right. Are you a pescatarian by any chance?
Richard of RBB: No, I'm a pissartist. Why do you ask?
Pastor Usebydate: It's just that you reference a fish in your blog title ......
Richard of RBB: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Pastor Usebydate: Ha ha ha ha ha ha .... I thought you'd like that. We religious people like to have a laugh.
Richard of RBB: (sotto voce) Yes at everyone's expense.
Pastor Usebydate: What's that son?
Richard of RBB: I said "I must repent"
Pastor Usebydate: Yes, well, there's still time. Tell us something about your meal choice today?
Richard of RBB: My inspiration comes from a dish I developed on my first OE ...
Pastor Usebydate: OE?
Richard of RBB: Yes, overseas experience back in 1975 when ...
Pastor Usebydate: You went overseas in 1975?
Richard of RBB: Er .... well, I went to Christchurch and had to go by ferry. Anyway, while there I invented a dish that even The Curmudgeon liked when he visited.
Pastor Usebydate: The Curmudgeon visited you?
Richard of RBB: Well yes. He was really in Christchurch to buy wine and stayed with Tony and Jan but I guess he got hungry and kind of hung around my place during the day.
Pastor Usebydate: Aha! But didn't you have a female friend staying at that time who was quite attractive?
Richard of RBB: Yes, that was .... hey! Are you suggesting that The Curmudgeon wasn't calling around just for my food and company?
Pastor Usebydate: Well, not your company anyway. So, you invented a dish?
Richard of RBB: (sulking) Whatever.
Pastor Usebydate: Okeedokee ..... we'll look forward to that dish being unveiled later. Good luck Richard of Richard's Bass Bag.
***************
Pastor Usebydate: Next up we have Robert the inconvenient sinner who ..... Robert, why do you go by the name Robert the inconvenient sinner?
Robert the inconvenient sinner: I don't.
Pastor Usebydate: You don't?
Pastor Usebydate: No. I call myself Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner. It's those other guys who make fun of my name and change it to other things.
Pastor Usebydate: I just think that they're being kind eh. (looking at the camera and waggling his eyebrows and softly saying 'Sheesh').
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner: Whatever.
Pastor Usebydate: Okeedokee, we'd best move on. Tell me Robert ... the whatever, what inspired your dish creation today?
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner: Jesus.
Pastor Usebydate: Jesus?
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner: Yes Jesus. I like Jesus. I like to eat Jesus. I like ....
Pastor Usebydate: Yes, that'll be enough of that thank you. We're talking about your culinary inspiration today.
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner: Huh. My colono .... sorry, no, those are gravy stains.
Pastor Usebydate: Huh? Oh, I see (and cannot unsee). Whatcha cooking today Rob?
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner: Ah. Well, you know that I like to cook right? I like to cook left as well ......
Pastor Usebydate: ..............
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner: ...... that was a little joke.
Pastor Usebydate: Was it? Well, put it away and tell us about your dish.
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner: (embarrassed) Umm, I like to cook vegetarian dishes with a twist.
Pastor Usebydate: A twist?
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner: Yes, a twist. I like to use meat ....
Pastor Usebydate: .... In your vegetarian dishes?
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner: Yes. Anything with two or four feet - pork, beef, lamb, mutton, chicken, - Duck!
Pastor Usebydate: Duck?
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner: Yes ... DUCK! My bird just got out of the cage. Have you seen a cockatoo Pastor?
Pastor Usebydate: Hey! What are you implying I .... oh, I see. No.
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner: Well I'd better clean up the mess that bird made.
Pastor Usebydate: OK Robert. Good luck with the competition.
***********************
Pastor Usebydate: Well that was interesting.** We've just got time to talk to The Food Curmudgeon who is representing The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ. Welcome The Food Curmudgeon.
The Food Curmudgeon: Hi Pastor. Do you find that title confusing given your position as food critic?
Pastor Usebydate: Huh?
The Food Curmudgeon: Never mind.
Pastor Usebydate: (glowering) What inspired you with your selection today?
The Food Curmudgeon: Well, lots of things really. I love food, all types of food. I love Japanese food, Chinese, Italian, French, Spanish - all food. In New Zealand we've developed recipes and food ideas from around the world ....
Pastor Usebydate: OK, now we'd ....
The Food Curmudgeon: To live a full life, you have to fill your stomach first.
Pastor Usebydate: Yes, but we'd ....
The Food Curmudgeon: Cheese is the glue that holds my life together.
Pastor Usebydate: Right. Now, moving on ....
The Food Curmudgeon: People who love to eat are always the best people.
Pastor Usebydate: Look Curmudgeon I've ....
The Food Curmudgeon: Patience is the secret to good food
Pastor Usebydate: Christ ... I mean 'Crikey'.
The Food Curmudgeon: Hunger is a good cook.
Pastor Usebydate: MOVE ALONG PLEASE!
The Food Curmudgeon: Don’t be upsetti, eat some spaghetti.
Pastor Usebydate: Sheesh!
The Food Curmudgeon: Sorry - you were saying?
Pastor Usebydate: How do you think you will fare (see what I did there?) in the competition?
The Food Curmudgeon: Not very well.
Pastor Usebydate: What? I thought you claimed that you are a good cook?
The Food Curmudgeon: I did and I am but have you seen the venue that Robert selected and have you seen his choice of voting public? They look like they haven't eaten in years.
Pastor Usebydate: Oh well. Good luck on the day
The Food Curmudgeon: (sulking) Whatever.
The Venue: Hutt Park Hotel chosen for its convenient location according to Robert.
The Judges: 40 of the Saturday lunchtime patrons.
The results:
First Richard of Richard's Bass Bag with 27 votes.
Second Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner with 13 votes.
Third The Food Curmudgeon with no votes.
The dishes:
Richard of Richard's Bass Bag:
- Baked beans with cheese on toast.
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner:
- Mince and pasta with bacon and mushrooms, Wattie's sauce and wedges, McCains reconstituted mashed potato, rice risotto, Pam's frozen peas and corn, roast lamb, pig's trotters and beef burgers. A slice of lemon on top to give a 'Tuscan' flavour.
The Food Curmudgeon:
- Pear, walnut & blue cheese tart with whole truffle roast celeriac with cheese sauce & hazelnuts.
Richard of Richard's Bass Bag: No, not really. As you know Richard's Bass Bag is the original bass bagging site and so we cook meals that no one else would ever consider. Hey .... can someone open a window in here...
Pastor Usebydate: Robert - well done on second placing (that's natural I guess being your default position and even your name at one time if I recall). How do you feel about the competition?
Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner: I think I overdid it with the lemon.
Pastor Usebydate: Food Curmudgeon. You came last. What did you ...
The Food Curmudgeon: Sheesh!
Pastor Usebydate: Whatever.
* The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ
** NOT.
